Ramblings of a Zombie Hawk: September 2009

Last week I started taking these green tea pills. It did what it said it would do, it supressed my appetite and yay, that’s a good thing because oink oink. Granted I'm at a good weight. I have no issues with my weight. I just think I could I dunno what I think. I took them. So that’s that. Two days later I had shortness of breath. It sometimes felt like when you're underwater and really need a breath and I'm constantly yawning to try and get that good breath in and finally when I get it, its like when you pop out of the water and its instant relief. But then it only lasts a second and I'm right back to the yawning. A lot of times I couldn't get a complete yawn in so I'd sit there with my mouth wide open looking like some kind of fool. And so this went on, day after day.. I thought by the end of the weekend it would be better since I had stopped taking the pills right away, but come Monday I was still having a hard time and it was making my chest pretty achey. I caved and called the doctors office on Tuesday after my hands started breaking out in a rash and various other parts of me, in addition to the difficulty breathing. I spoke to the advice nurse who said that she doesn't think its related to the pills but she wants me to come in to see the doctor. I got an appointment for Wednesday morning at 9:30am.

This morning I'm in a mad rush to get things ready. Get the boy fed so he can take his antibiotics (he has an ear infection) and get him dressed and out the door to school. It seems when I have MORE time in the mornings, it leaves more room for craziness to occur. First he tells me he doesn't need to use the potty, 2 minutes later he's peeing on himself. Next he doesn't want the blue shirt, he wants the brown shirt. Then he wants the blue shirt again and finally the brown shirt. Again. Then there's an issue with which toy he wants to bring for the car ride - I let him pick one each day. There is no point in having him pick it the night before because no doubt he'll change his mind in the morning anyways. He picks a wooden car that I painted for him the day before. It breaks before we reach the front door. He wants it fixed. Now. I told him if we glue the piece together now he cant' take it. He's angry. I tell him he can take it now, but it'll stay broken until we get back from school later. Nope, he wants it glued now and to take it. I said no. He throws himself on the floor and we both lose it. A number of other things occur as we try to make our way out the door. Its raining now and we finally make it to the school. Its 9am. I have my appt in 30 mins. I'm praying that things will go smoothly when I drop him off - nope, he starts crying because another child has pulled his water bottle out of his bag - he was simply trying to help. Khai flipped out and started bawling. I eventually make it to my appt and by this time my hands are itching like mad and red and I'm fidgeting and their computers are down and the old folks in front of me and behind are all sharing their drivers license with eachother, ooohing and aaahing at how the new ones look. I finally get to see the doctor and she tells me I have an anxiety disorder and puts me back on prozac and xanax and suggests I go back and see a shrink again. I told her I stopped doing that years ago b/c I didn't really find it helped me. She encourages me anyways. She says I have far too much going on in my life and its finally just crashed. Says that raising a toddler is tough, losing my home, financial issues, work, everything...crash crash crash. I said how is it that I went thru all that and was fine. She said I was on auto pilot. Anyways, I leave, pop my pills and am a zombie for the rest of the day courtesy of the xanax, followed by heartburn or ulcer pain or what the hell ever.. the rest of the day and night...

<---- Iggg..the rash this morning. One of many flare ups.