Helpless

One of the worst things is the feeling of helplessness when Khai is not ok. When I don't know what is wrong with him and can't help him. Or when me holding him close is just not cutting it and no matter what I do, he still is in pain.
Today was one of those days.

At 5pm he burst out in screams. Not the regular screams you sometimes get, but the kind where you know SOMETHING is wrong. But what?? I searched his body...nothing seemed wrong. No bruises, cuts... The screams just came out of nowhere. One minute he was playing, the next he was standing there in the middle of the room crying. The only thing I could figure that maybe, just maybe it was... was his tooth coming thru. I had thought it had already pierced thru the skin but apparently not. The gum looks a little swollen...but what do I know. I have no clue what a swollen gum really looks like. I mean, I think I could know...but when it comes down to it.. I don't. And then the more I stare at it...the more confused I get. So maybe its swollen, maybe its not. He has been putting his fingers in the same spot all day. Slobbering some. He's never been a drooler like some teething babies. But he's had a little more of a leaky mouth than normal. I just don't know. We gave him some infant Motrin. I don't know if that was good to do either. Then I started to get paranoid that i'm over-medicating my child. I know realistically one dose won't harm him.... but then I worry that I gave it to him when he didn't need it. What if it wasn't his tooth. I just don't know!!! He was still so very upset, so I gave him the one and only thing I knew would soothe him. My boob. So there we were, sitting on the couch, me craddling him like when he was a baby. He was sobbing so hard, so upset... I sang the Dora theme song, then every other Dora song I know...and that seemed to work. He stopped crying to hear the songs... me and my terrible singing...but it worked. He dozed off, still sobbing under his breath until he was out. I was so uncomfortable on the couch, but I was afraid to move, afraid he would wake up. So I sat there, half leaning to the left, holding myself up as best as I could. Finally when I felt he was sleeping a little deeper, I was about to shove a pillow behind my back for support. For almost 2 hours I sat there...he was sweating so badly, my arm was drenched in sweat, I could feel it dripping down my stomach. My arm itched where his head was but I didn't want to move him. It drove me nuts...but I didn't move a muscle. Eventually I felt it was safe to turn the TV back on... and of course there was absolutely nothing on. John stopped playing video games so I asked him to watch a movie with me. We started to watch Hatchet and then Khai woke up - totally dazed and confused, crying, screaming, shaking. I ended up taking him to the bedroom and BF'ing him again until he fell asleep. He has since woken up three times, but overall seems better. I don't know. Maybe it was the tooth afterall and now the Motrin has kicked in? He is still very clingy. Even in his sleep. He holds on tight, his arms and legs drapped over me and if I move he grabs on tighter. I just hope everything is ok and tomorrow things will be normal again. Tomorrow I take him for part 2 of his flu shot. I'm sure he'll be pissed off. But then we'll come home and go right for a nap. The appt. is at 9am..the only time I could get - right when he normally has a nap. Its not going to be a fun morning. Poor Khai. I just feel so bad for him today. I want to be able to fix every bad thing that happens to him and know thats not possible...but I will damn well try!